Having a baby is joyous, yet research shows that 70% of couples experience increased conflict and marital dissatisfaction in the first 3 years post-baby, regardless of how well they were doing before children. This points to the fact that many of the sources of stress are structural and situational as opposed to an indication that there’s something wrong with the relationship.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Mommy and Me Leader at the Pump Station, these are the three most common frustrations I encounter and the solutions I suggest.
Frustration #1: “My life has changed more than his. He doesn’t understand what I do all day”
Solution
-Be sure that you are creating regular opportunities for your partner to be totally “on” with baby so that he can find his own way/his own style and develop competence.
-Be mindful of not micromanaging your partner or being critical when he’s doing things differently with the baby.
-Set him up for success by sharing what soothing strategies you’ve found most helpful and then leave the house for a while so that dad and baby can find their own way together.
Your partner will develop more empathy for you, greater confidence and a stronger bond with baby. Everybody wins!
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Frustration #2: “I’m tired of being the gatekeeper telling him to help with this or that. I feel like I’m nagging my partner about what to do. Why does it default to me?”
Solution
-Proactively talk about how role division was handled in your families and what you would each like for your new family.
-Write out a list of daily chores and decide together who will take charge of which responsibilities, so you don't feel like the taskmaster.
-Do periodic check-ins and make adjustments as circumstances change.
It doesn't matter if you have a traditional role division or if you're totally egalitarian; the key is to make these decisions consciously, avoiding built-up resentment.
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Frustration #3: “We’re not on the same page (not even in the same book!) about sex and intimacy anymore. I don’t even have time to take a shower. Sex is the last thing on my mind, and he’s frustrated about that”
Solution
-Understand a common difference between men’s and women’s sexuality; women usually need to feel emotionally close before they want to have sex, men often need sex in order to feel close.
-Create a plan for connecting post-baby. Prioritize 20 minutes a day to just talk uninterrupted. Ask each other open-ended questions such as “What do you enjoy most about being a dad/mom?” or “What are you missing most in your life since we’ve become parents?”
-Proactively discuss what you need to help you get in the intimate state of mind (i.e he takes over bedtime routine and gives you time to soak in the tub).
-Don’t knock cuddling! Research shows that couples who remain affectionate in times of less sex are able to stay more connected.
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